For some unknown reason, today, looking at the tenuous iris growth and thinking about hope, as in I hope it doesn’t freeze again, led me to remembering another oft-repeated phrase, “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” Attributed to Aquinas and medieval convoluted arguments, it points to an unknowable quality. In other words, I’m wondering if the ability to know what one can change and what one must accept is unknowable in concept and only knowable in experience. Like whether or not we’ll have another freeze.
The experience of knowing what I can change and what I can’t has often been a slow process for me. I can’t even begin to count the times I have, metaphorically, stood in front of an unmovable wall and banged my head against it until my head hurt and I had to stop. Many times, after a rest, I’d return to banging my head as if I could somehow, with the force of my will, made a difference.
Reminds me of the old joke: Doctor, it hurts when I push right here…Well, don’t push there.
But I also know it has taken practice to learn when more effort is required and when effort is futile. When is “surrender” like “giving up” and when is it “letting go?” Where is the balance point? That place of dancing but not forcing?
I suspect the answer is more in the doing than in the theorizing, more in the personal than in the general. At least, it is for me. I can read and learn and theorize and ponder, but I can only find my balance point in doing and in attention to experience.
Peace is an experience; trust – or lack of trust – comes from experience; pain – or healing – comes from experience. It also seems that the only way we can find that-which-we-call-Holy is through experience (and breathing…breathing helps!).